When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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