three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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