Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize