hell yes lets make some ravioli
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
