Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
