I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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