Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
