Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
