Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
