lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
