She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
