the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
