all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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