new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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