peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
