I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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