You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
whose parrot is this?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
