Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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