1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
