Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
