Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize