We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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