I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
