The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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