i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
