I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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