New invention idea: vibrating tampons
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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