I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
