every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
