Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
