i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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