You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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