You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I can't turn off my feet"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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