I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
