i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
