NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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