the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
