Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
