Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
