You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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