as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
