I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
