Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
