This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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