Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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