dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
