But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
