your parents love me but you hate me
Kiss
Puke
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Hippo gnu deer
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
