So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
