K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
