the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
