the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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