New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
