and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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