I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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