I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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