I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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