A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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